Baby Makes Three
by Spoot Poot
Summary: Edward has some big plans for Mustang...and Riza has an even bigger plan!


Spoot: I suppose we're back in action!

Mustang: And here I thought it was all over…

Spoot: Nah!

And Baby Makes Three

The stage was set. A fake baby carriage with a rubber, lifeless baby doll placed inside. A makeshift changing station with all the items needed to change diapers. A feeding station with about a million baby bottled and baby food in jars. And at the center of all the mess stood a dark haired man with a deadpan face. Ed looked pleased with himself standing on the sidelines. "First things first…" the blond began as he clapped his hands together. He placed them on the baby and sparks flew. The lifeless doll began to cry. "You'll need to feed it." He finished.

Riza, who had been standing in the doorway, covered her ears. "Couldn't you have given it a more realistic cry…its sounds like a dying cat!" she hollered. Mustang covered his ears as well. Ed laughed as he shrugged. "What do I know, never heard a baby cry out of hunger before." He looked over at the stoic General. "Well Mustang?" the other man was too busy trying to drown out the sounds. "Are you sure all this is really necessary?" Riza asked. Ed nodded with a huge grin. At that moment, Havoc entered the office covering his ears. "Training exercise?" he huffed out.

Peace was shattered when Havoc's cigarette was shot right out of his mouth. He howled and covered his head. Riza pulled her weapon back, the barrel of the gun still smoldering. "No smoking around the baby…no smoking around a pregnant woman…" She ordered. Mustang reached over and snatched the gun from her. She gasped then glared at him. "No weapons around a pregnant woman either." He ordered. All the pandemonium was causing the Elric boy to laugh hard. The officers looked over at him with distain. "Glad we can amuse you." Riza snapped. Ed took a deep breath and let it out in a gleeful sigh.

"That was my last one…" Havoc suddenly whimpered, as he lowered himself to inspect the carnage. The tobacco product nearly destroyed. The only true part that remained intact was the filter. He lifted it to eye level, and cried. "You're a cruel woman Hawkeye." He sniveled. Riza crossed her arms and turned her back to the distraught man. "You know something…I think she went easy on you…" Ed mumbled. All eyes drifted to the expectant woman. She stood stoic for a moment but it was clear her nerve was twinging, and her resolve was draining from her body. She began to tremble.

She stamped her foot hard, making the other men in the room jump and scream. "HOW WAS THAT GOING EASY!" She roared. "I'M NOT SOFT! I TOOK NO PITY! NO QUARTER! NO MERCY! HOW DARE YOU SAY I WENT EASY! HOOOOWWW DAAAAREEEE YOUUUUUU!" Mustang stood up on shaky legs and stumbled over to her. He grabbed her shoulders. She continued her rant, now incoherent. He slowly drug the woman from the room as she flailed and stomped. Sympathy glistened in Ed's eyes as he watched Havoc try to reassemble an abused tobacco product. "Poor Guy…"

Mustang's eye twitched as he reached down to undo the pins on a diaper. "It's not that hard y'know. Just take the pins out, remove the cloth, wipe the mess and replace with a new cloth. Simple." Ed said. He was hovering over the General's shoulder. "Ten seconds…tic toc Roy." Mustang shot the boy a heated glance then returned his eyes to the doll. "And if I run out of time?" He asked in a hiss. Ed just chuckled a bit. "Five seconds…" was all he said. Mustang's brow furrowed as sweat made its way down. His hands trembled as he reached for the pin.

"Three…Two…One…time." Ed mumbled. He clapped his hands and placed them on the baby and sparks flew. "I would step back if I were you Mustang." He said as he himself began to back away. Mustang looked his way, watching him side step out of the room. "What? Why…" he began. His question was interrupted by a rumbling noise coming from the doll. In a matter of seconds, a noise escaped the baby that about shattered the windows, and right before his very eyes, the cloth diaper expanded almost two sizes. The smell nearly incapacitated the poor Flame Alchemist.

Riza looked up from her book with wide eyes. Her husband entered their home in a state of disarray. "What happened? Was it Armstrong? Did he finally get the chance to congratulate you? Roy? Are you ok?" she stammered as he slowly fell to the floor, flat on his face. "I can't take much more of this." He mumbled. She rushed him, and flipped him onto his back. His eyes were hollow and void of any life. "Is it Edward?" She asked softly. A warm smile crossed her face. Mustang nodded. "He's going to kill me before I even get the chance…to…kill…him." Mustang's final words escaped his lips as he slowly closed his eyes.

The solid bedroom door shattered and in walked Ed, the doll in his hands cried uncontrollably. Both Riza and Mustang sat up in their bed. "IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!" Shouted Roy. Ed laughed and tossed the doll at him. It cracked him in the head causing blood to spew from his brow in that comedic way. He flopped down on the bed as a small ghost like creature escaped from his mouth. Riza grabbed it and held it tight. "Edward…what's the meaning of all this?" She asked. Ed put his hands on his hips and grinned madly. "Feeding time." He said simply.

Mustang charged into the third floor men's room and promptly grabbed Ed by the throat. The boy gasped for air then grit his teeth. "I was…busy…with…something." He choked out. Mustang grew an evil grin. "I want you to die with your dick in your hand you brat." Ed looked down and smiled at the 'x' shaped white bandage on the General's brow. "Did…you feed…the baby?" He asked as he gasped. Mustang tightened his grip causing Ed to choke. "I…see." He gasped out. He clapped his hands together then gently placed them on Mustangs midsection. Two wriggling arms protruded from the General's gut, then proceeded to tickle the stoic man until he released his hostage.

Havoc watched as Mustang walked into his office. His stride was slow, his head was down. "This isn't like you man. You gatta do something about that Pipsqueak before he drives you to the mad house." Havoc said. Mustang sighed as he sat down hard in his chair. From there he slammed his face on his desk. Furry leaned in to whisper in his partner's ear. "I think what Ed's doing is a good idea. I mean, what do you think life is gunna be like for him when the baby comes? He only has a month to prepare and he has no idea what he's doing."

"Yeah, I know, but still." Havoc whispered as he too leaned in. "The poor guys about to drop. He won't be able to handle much more…then when the baby _does_ come, all he's gunna think about is Ed…torturing him. He may char the poor kid!" Furry sat up and crossed his arms. "Nah. Ed's training him…don't you remember how hard Mustang was on him…and let's not forget who taught the boy in the first place." The two men looked up at the ceiling. They both saw a transparent picture of Mrs. Curtis with a bear behind her. They both shuddered.

Furry adjusted his glasses then took a deep breath. "What he needs is support." Havoc looked over at him with a smile. "I'm in." he said as he clenched his fist. "Count me in too." Breda said from the desk opposite them. "Me too." Came a tiny voice from behind them. A woman stood there, a sweet smile on her face. "Here here!" Came another officer's voice. Havoc and Furry looked on at one another with huge smiles. Mustang looked up to see his regiment chit chatting and slacking off. This was bad. He hardly had the life to get them focused again. He slowly sat up and the troops got back to work with haste.

That was odd. He hadn't even said a word and they got right back to it. He leaned his back on his chair, and thought for a moment. Was it his imagination, or was he going mad? Or could it be, his team of numbskulls actually got back to work without being told. He eyed them all, one by one. Indeed, they all _seemed_ to be working, but it could very well be a trick. All that thinking only gave him a headache. He put his head back down on his desk and sighed. The decision to just forget about it and take it as it was seemed like a good idea. So did sleep…yeah…sleep was a good idea too…

"Daddy…"

Mustang opened his eyes wide; he was face to face with a toddler, hardly old enough to walk. His eyes widened even more when he got a good look at the face of the child. The hair was a light shade of gold; it was patchy. Its eyes deformed, but clearly belonging to that Fullmetal brat. He sat up with haste and made eyes with the _real_ Fullmetal Brat. "I thought we should try an older model…to keep you on your toes." Ed declared. He put the doll down and it began to crawl around in a mechanical sort of way. "By the way, sleeping while on the job…that's cause for punishment…" Ed Clapped his hands then slammed them on the babies behind, and it let out a blast of foul smelling air. "Later General." Ed sneered as he waved the man off and exiting the room.

Mustang looked down at the toy crawling around on the floor. He stood up, making his way around his desk. He approached the toy, watching it crawl and babble. His anger now spent he reared a leg back, ready to kick the blasted toy across the room. He stopped when it looked up at him, with wide innocent eyes. It may not have been real…but it was real enough to make him care. He leaned down and scooped it into his arms. Maybe this wasn't so bad. Maybe he could do this. Just when he was about to accept the idea completely, Ed burst suddenly in the room. He reached over and placed his hands on the dolls back and it abruptly vomited all over Mustangs blue jacket. Ed ballet danced out of the room. The doll burst into flames.

Mustang walked into _HIS_ home to see Fullmetal sitting at _HIS_ table…eating _HIS _noodles. Ed looked up in mid slurp. Noodles hanging from his mouth. Mustang pulled his glove tight and prepared to snap his fingers when Winry burst into the room. Ed slurped up the remaining noodles and exhaled. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." He said slowly. Mustang looked over at the blond girl. "What are you doing here Doctor Rockbell?" Ed stood up and pat Mustang on the shoulder. "Let's see, she's here because I called her." Mustang looked his way, confusion in his eyes. "And why did you call her?" He hissed. "Because Riza called me." Ed said simply with a shrug. "Man you really are dumb." He added then took his place by his woman's side. "Why did Riza call you…" Mustang asked in a deep shaky voice.

"_WWWIiiINnNNRRRrrYYY_!"

"What was that?" Mustang shouted as he shivered. The voice coming from his room sounded like a demon had escaped hell and was calling out to Winry. "Your wife General." The blond girl snapped. "I suppose you want to know what happened while you were away." Ed began. Mustang had been gone almost two days. A quick business trip to get away from everyone and everything. Ed's idea. "Mrs. Riza went into labor about 6 this morning." Winry said softly.

"It's too early for that!" Mustang snapped. "That's what I said, but Winry says this is surprisingly common." Ed said as he stabled his superior. "Can I see her?" He asked, watching Winry fiddle with her house call bag. She nodded as she searched her bag for something. Ed smiled and slapped the man on the back. "Here's hoping I trained you well enough…" Mustang looked down at his hands. He never told the blond boy he had destroyed the doll. Ed just assumed he had been taking care of it…for two days.

"GET _OOOOOUUUUT_!" a pillow flew past Mustang's head and slammed into the wall, causing it to crater and smolder. He just smiled warmly. "You're not packing are you?" He asked more as a joke, but found himself staring down the barrel of a 44. She was breathing heavily as she pointed her weapon at him. He just smiled and put a hand on the gun. Gingerly, he placed another warm hand on hers, and she dropped the weapon. Winry entered the room then giggled. "Here I thought I had searched you fully. You're good." She said sweetly, putting a bowl of boiling water down.

"KILL ME!" She bellowed. Mustang held her hand tight as she writhed in pain. "Just hang in there Riza, we're almost ready." Winry said calmly. She reached over and began to pat Riza's brow with a damp cloth. "I'm right here." Mustang said, patting her hand. "YOU! YOU DID THIS! YOU USLESS BASTARD!" she bellowed. It only took one swift punch to send the General flying from the room. He landed hard right on the couch. Ed looked over from his research book. Mustang sat there, white as ash. He was falling apart. "Eeeup…shouldn't have gone in there." He said in a tiny voice. A breeze picked up and blew him away.

"I'm gunna teach her how to make the best apple pie!" Winry said as she clasped her hands together. Ed smiled big. "I'll teach her how to dance!" Winry shot him a look. Al matched the look. "You can't dance Brother…" He said flatly. Ed whimpered as his family berated him for the moment. Riza looked up from cooing over a small child. "And what will you bring to the table?" She asked. Al looked back at her from punching his brother in the head. "That's easy." He started. His smile grew. "I'm gunna teach her to stay the hell away from him!" He pointed a thumb at Ed who sunk into the floor with a whine. Riza looked around the room. She spotted Mustang in a dark corner. His face was blue.

"There you are, get over here and see our daughter…" She said. Mustang pressed his index fingers together. "NOW!" Riza bellowed. Mustang let out an eep then rushed the bedside. A million things flowed through his mind at that moment. Could he provide for her, would he get to see her grow up, would he accidently burn her, could he handle her needs…He let out a gasp. The little one opened her eyes, and looked right into his. At that moment, he had all the answers. And he knew from that day on that baby…makes three.

Spoot: AWWWW! Yaaaay!

Ed: Hmm…I wanted more torture!

Spoot: You got it! *ties Ed to Naughty Chair* Hey Musty!

Mustang: And so it begins…


End file.
